“How was your day today?”
“Grunt.”
“Well? Did you have a nice day??”
“Um-hmm.”
Sounds familiar? If you’re one of those parents who’s struggled with getting your child to open up and talk to you, you’re not alone. The once chatty preschooler who talked nonstop is quite likely to turn into a taciturn high schooler, unwilling to respond to even simple questions like ‘how was your day?’ Luckily, there are some foolproof strategies to get your kids to talk to you. If used consistently, over time you’ll find that your kids are opening up to you and your conversations with them are easier and free-flowing.
1. Be available
Being available sounds easier than it is because it means being both emotionally available and mindful when you’re with your kids, not just being physically present. If your child knows that you are emotionally available, he or she will open up to you more. Just being present in the same room together can open up a vast range of opportunities for conversation. My daughter loves talking to me right after she gets home from school, high on the heady rush of all that’s happened during the school day, or sometimes if she wants to let out something that has upset her. With my son, bedtime is when he’s at his chattiest best. All I have to do is make sure I’m in the room at these times and I get a full download of what’s happening in their lives.
Other brilliant opportunities to get a conversation going include car rides or doing chores together, like wiping dishes or folding laundry. Make sure you’re stating your availability so your child knows you are there for him or her, such as ‘I’m reading in my room if you want me’ or ‘I’ll be in the kitchen making dinner, but give me a shout if you need me.‘
2. Ask the right questions
While a ‘How was your day today?’ may earn you a grunt at worst, or a ‘nice’ at best, asking something like ‘What was the best thing that happened to you at school today?’ or ‘Whom did you sit with on the bus ride home?’ has higher chances of getting a more involved response. Ask questions that require real answers, are less open-ended, and avoid being overly intrusive or judgmental, especially with older children.
3. Don’t jump in immediately with solutions and advice
It can be tempting to dive in to fix your child’s problems, but remember, sometimes your child just needs to vent. This can be hard to put into practice because as a parent, you often want to share the benefit of wisdom and perspective with your child. It’s important to also be a good sounding board though, someone your child can bounce his/her feelings and thoughts off.
This process also helps your child process their emotions and reflect on what they’ve experienced, helping them come up with their own solutions, which in turn helps build confidence. If you’re jumping in with your own two bits before your child has had a chance to fully express himself/ herself, you may end up offering advice they are not ready for and also make them feel like they aren’t being heard.
4. Don’t diss the phone
Yes, one of the most important things to do to get an actual conversation going is to put that phone away and actually focus on your child. However, sometimes the phone can be a brilliant way to engage with your child. The cell phone’s ubiquitousness is one of the realities of our lives today and most of our kids are more adept at handling phones than at feeding themselves even as babies and toddlers. So why not get a little creative and use that phone to your advantage?
My teenage daughter has her own phone and gets a limited amount of ‘phone time’ every day which she uses to chat with her school friends. When I discovered that emojis and funny gifs were what she and her BFFs were having the most fun with, I decided to crash the party! Very soon we were texting each other kitten emojis and BTS gifs. More importantly, I was talking to her in her language and picking up on what she was into and the things that were important to her. She also knows that she can text me anytime with anything that’s on her mind, even if I am away at a work meeting or running errands. This is a handy way to keep the communication between us going even when we are apart, and pick up on conversations that matter later.
5. Use indirect communication
Children are often more open when eye contact is limited. When you’re working at your laptop and they’re hanging around the room, on a walk, or in the dark, for example. If your child is trying to talk to you on such occasions, tear yourself away from whatever it is you’re doing and make the most of it. It can be difficult to stop focusing on that all-important work email or presentation, but remember, how you respond to your child’s conversation openers during such times can be crucial in building closeness.
Another great opportunity to use indirect communication is when your child’s friends are over in your home or are with you in your car. And all you have to do is listen. It’s also a great opportunity to get to know your child’s friends. Your child knows you are there of course, and you’ll get to see a side of him or her that you may not have seen when it’s just the two of you alone, or with close family.
6. Connect with each of your children, every single day
Make sure you connect one-on-one with each of your children, every single day, even if it is just for ten minutes. Hang out with them when they’re just home from school, drop them off to their football class or playdate, or just snuggle on the couch after dinner. Build special time with each child into your routine, like monthly mom-daughter brunches one Saturday a month, or dad & son IPL evenings when you bond over cricket and conversation. You can even build your own little rituals around this.
When I had my second child, I could sense that my elder daughter craved for the times when it was just the two of us. We built a little ritual where once a week, we would head for a ‘date’ to the local coffee shop or bakery just after her piano class. It was just half an hour every week but it meant the world to both of us.
7. Have realistic expectations
Don’t expect every interaction with your child to yield deep, meaningful conversations. Sometimes one or the other of you may be having a bad day or just not be in the mood to talk, but that’s okay. It’s equally important to have companionable silences when your child feels comfortable to hang out with you and just be, without any pressure to open up or exhibit emotions.
8. Listen
The single most important piece of advice to get a conversation with your child going: listen. Don’t talk, listen. And then reflect back what they’re saying, so they know you’ve understood; this will get them to talk more. This is a strategy I learned as a marketeer working on consumer insight while conducting interviews with consumers, and it’s something that’s worked well for me as a parent as well! Listen, listen listen. And then listen some more.